The Lazy Man's Guide to Church

It's been a few days since I've posted anything. Just you wait, I have a few lined up. If only I didn't have homework. Anyway, this came to me via email and I actually thought it was worth passing along, so here you go:

Is visiting/home teaching getting you down? Can't get your leader off your back? Is visiting teaching interfering with your TV soap operas and/or manicure? Is home teaching cutting into your NFL time? We can help! At “Zion's Visiting/Home Teaching Service” we'll do your visiting/home teaching for you. For a small fee we will send one of our trained representatives to the homes of your families.

Visit Services
$10 - Basic Visit
$15 - Basic Visit plus Spiritual Message
$20 - Birthday and anniversary cards in addition to the Basic Visit and Spiritual Message

PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for visits on the last day of the month.

Check Out Our New Services

Meetings: We will send a representative to the appropriate meeting to take notes for you and report back.

$30 - Ward Council Meeting
$50 - Ward Council Meeting w/ written report
$20 - Presidency Meetings
$25 - PEC
$20 - Sacrament Meeting
$20 - Sunday School
$20 - Priesthood
$50 - 3-hour Sunday Block (best value)

PLEASE NOTE: Surcharge of 10% for stake meetings.

Talks and Lessons

Did a bishopric member call and assign you a talk? Tired of wasting Saturday night preparing a lesson? Well, free up your time and just read one of our professionally prepared talks and lessons. No need to spend countless hours poring through books, writing and praying. We'll do it for you!

$20 - Basic Talk (any subject assigned)
$30 - Scripture Talk (basic + 5 scriptures)
$40 - Deluxe Talk (scripture + 1 poem + 2 G.A. quotes)

* All talks are guaranteed to last 15 minutes.
* Add $1 for each additional minute

$25 - Basic Lesson (40 minutes)
$35 - Deluxe (Basic + visual aides)
$45 - Super Deluxe (Deluxe + Handouts)

* Due to high expectations, centerpieces and floral arrangements, Relief Society lessons are slightly higher. Call for quote.
* Due to lower expectations, priesthood lessons, receive a 10% discount.

Additional Programs
Introducing our Bundle Buys and Frequent Shopper plan. Bundle any 3 services and receive a 20% discount.

Receive one free Basic talk or lesson with any 10 purchases.

Casserole Service
If you just can't possibly throw together food for various ward occasions, WE CAN!

Our basic services include:
- Funeral Potatoes
- Green Bean/Mushroom Soup with Crunchy Onions
- Green Jell-O with Carrots
- Spinach Dip in a Bread Bowl
- CheezWiz/Tater Tot Surprise

For only $15 each delivered to your house with Corningware marked with your name! They'll never know you didn't make 'em!

We take all the work off of your shoulders and put ours to the wheel for you!

Call us at 1-800-752-2537. That's 1-800-Slacker.